Discworld Role Playing Pubcrawl General Note This is one of a series of role-playing pub crawls written for meetings of the Oxford University Douglas Adams Society and possibly of general interest to others. All are based on various works of literature in different media familiar to members of the Society. Of course the originals involved are still in copyright, so the author of these pubcrawls has no right to profit from the use of the material, despite the large amounts of original writing that have been put into them. We can only say that anyone who performs these pubcrawls is very welcome to do so. This series includes many other pubcrawls. These pubcrawls were written for performance in Oxford, and thus if they instruct participants to visit particular pubs, these pubs are generally found within quite a small area of that city. This can very easily be altered to fit in with any location in which the pubcrawl is per formed: other details can be similarly altered (times changed to suit local licensing laws, for instance), and usually any Oxford-specific references can be excised, adapted or else conveniently ignored. The exception is the Sandman pubcrawl, which has a note appended explaining the options, but can still be performed elsewhere with ease. If the number of people available for a pubcrawl is not identical with the number of characters listed in these texts, the pieces can be adapted accordingly: several have "extras" (usually found at the end) who are unnecessary for the plot but can be added to make up the numbers; in others, certain characters can be removed without grave detriment to the plot, at the discretion of the organiser (who may wish to edit the other characters' intructions accordingly). The Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, in particular, was designed for a society Freshers' event, at which the number arriving was utterly unpredictable, and so is written for a number of participants from ten to about thirty. Inserting new characters would also be a viable approach, if anyone were feeling creative... Standard practice has been to give each participant a copy of the title page (if any) and introductory sheet (if any), and a copy of one character's instruction sheet(s). A map, with the pubs marked on it, may be a useful aid, unless enough players know the pubs in the area well. Participants are given the instructions that they are to play the roles allocated to the best of their improvisational ability, and (usually) to drink a lot as well. As observed in the introduction to the Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, the comedy effect arises when obeying the latter instruction renders people unable to carry out the former. Organiser's charts are provided so that the person mounting the pubcrawl is able to tell who should be where at any particular point. The organiser may participate or observe as he/she wishes; sometimes there is an obvious part for the organiser to play if he/she does take a role, sometimes it may be amusing to take one of the more minor ones. The important thing is that the organiser does not use his/her superior knowledge to bugger the plot. You are encouraged to pass any of these pubcrawls on to any contacts you may have who you feel would be interested, by email or post or any other medium that entertains you. If anyone organising one of these events were to feel moved to send a gratuitous and quite unnecessary present of money as a contribution to DougSoc funds (say a pound, dollar or nearest local equivalent collected from each participant) to the society, we can be reached at this address:v The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society c/o University Offices Wellington Square Oxford OX1 2JD UNITED KINGDOM I mention this merely for information. SHARE AND ENJOY. Author's Note At the time of this pubcrawl's performance (27 April 1995), the first fifteen Discworld novels, up to and including Men at Arms, had been published in paperback, and the assumption made is that these are the novels participants have read. In chronological terms, therefore, the events of this pubcrawl can be imagined as taking place soon after Men at Arms, and any inconsistency with later Discworld novels is not something I propose to worry about. Any inconsistencies with the novels already published is certainly regrettable, but pretty damn unavoidable, I feel, in the circumstances. This might be a good one to dress up for, if the particpants are enthusiastic enough. If anyone else performs this in Oxford, they may find this useful: Ankh-Morpork to Oxford Conversion Table Ankh-Morpork Inn Oxford Pub The Mended Drum The Bear The Bucket The Old Tom The Bunch of Grapes The Wheatsheaf The Troll's Head The Chequers Number of characters 12 to 25 Male 8 to 17 Female 4 to 8 Number of pubs 5 Props None Organiser's Chart I Time The Drum The Bucket The Bunch The Troll's Head of Grapes 8 to 8:30 ALL 8:30 to 9 Granny Nobbs Ridcully Vimes Nanny Colon Carrot Black Aliss Magrat Sybil Bursar Death Librarian Angua Patrician Reg Shoe Dibbler Detritus Dr Whiteface Casanunda Queen Molly Mrs Cake Silverfish Dean Stibbons random citizens 9 to 9:30 Black Aliss Vimes Ridcully Nanny Carrot Granny Magrat Nobbs Librarian Death Colon Bursar Patrician Sybil Dean Dibbler Angua Stibbons Casanunda Detritus Reg Shoe Mrs Cake Dr Whiteface Queen Molly Silverfish random citizens 9:30 to 10 Black Aliss Ridcully Vimes Carrot Granny Nanny Librarian Nobbs Magrat Death Colon Bursar Patrician Detritus Sybil Dibbler Casanunda Angua Dean Reg Shoe Stibbons Mrs Cake Dr Whiteface Queen Molly Silverfish random citizens 10 to 10:30 Vimes Ridcully Black Aliss Nobbs Granny Carrot Colon Nanny Patrician Magrat Sybil Librarian Dibbler Bursar Casanunda Death Angua Dean Detritus Stibbons Reg Shoe Mrs Cake Dr Whiteface Queen Molly Silverfish random citizens 10:30onwards ALL Organiser's Chart II Character 8:30 to 9 9 to 9:30 9:30 to 10 10 to 10:30 10:30 on Sir Samuel Vimes Head Bucket Grapes Drum Drum Black Aliss Head Drum Drum Head Drum Mustrum Ridcully Grapes Grapes Bucket Grapes Drum Granny Weatherwax Drum Grapes Bucket Grapes Drum Nanny Ogg Drum Drum Grapes Grapes Drum Magrat Garlick Drum Drum Grapes Grapes Drum Captain Carrot Grapes Bucket Drum Head Drum The Librarian Drum Grapes Drum Grapes Drum The Bursar Grapes Grapes Grapes Grapes Drum Corporal Nobbs Bucket Bucket Bucket Drum Drum Sergeant Colon Bucket Bucket Bucket Drum Drum Death Head Drum Drum Grapes Drum The Patrician Grapes Drum Drum Drum Drum Lady Sybil Vimes Bucket Bucket Grapes Drum Drum CMOT Dibbler Drum Drum Drum Drum Drum Casanunda Drum Drum Grapes Drum Drum Constable Angua Bucket Bucket Drum Drum Drum Constable Detritus Bucket Bucket Bucket Drum Drum Reg Shoe Head Drum Drum Drum Drum Mrs Cake Drum Drum Drum Drum Drum The Dean Drum Grapes Grapes Grapes Drum Ponder Stibbons Drum Grapes Grapes Grapes Drum Dr Whiteface Grapes Drum Drum Drum Drum Queen Molly Grapes Drum Drum Drum Drum Thomas Silverfish Grapes Drum Drum Drum Drum random citizens Drum Drum Drum Drum Drum KNIGHT ON THE TOWN A Discworld Role Playing Pub Crawl Look. Pay attention. This is space - the empty thing between the worlds, if you remember. Large, black and scattered with tiny white flecks, like dandruff sprinkled liberally over the shoulders of an enormous dinner jacket. A lifeless vacuum, empty in theory of anything approaching motion or activity - through which, to the utter gibbering confusion of any life form arrogant enough to consider itself sentient, a reptile the size of a gas-giant crawls, Great A'Tuin the star turtle, bearing on its back the destiny of millions. By one of the more far-fetched whims of destiny, A'Tuin supports on its gigantic shell four rather less enormous elephants, who in turn shoulder the massive saucer-shaped conglomeration of rock, water and organic matter known as the Discworld - the most unconventionally designed planet in the chaotic mess often laughingly referred to as creation. Space, as the wise man once observed, is big. And the multiverse even more so. In a collection of universes such as, for instance, our own, derived from ever-increasingly obscure probability functions, something along current lines is probably inevitable; a giant celestial terrapin in the aquarium of the gods[1], swimming through the vasty deeps of infinity with a large number of pissed-off people on its back. Ankh-Morpork, the sprawling urban pizza that sits at the mouth of the Discworld's greatest river, contains, at the last count, the million or so most pissed-off of these. And at the time when our current bout of interest in the Discworld begins, the most pissed-off of all is Samuel Vimes, Knight, Commander of the City Watch. Retirement, reinstatement, marriage and his run-in with a crazed assassin on his wedding-day have been preying on his mind in recent weeks, and the disapproval his wife stores up specially for his enjoyment of Jimkin Bearhugger's Old Selected Dragon's Blood Whiskey has prevented him from dissolving his anxieties in his habitual manner. And, which he finds even more disturbing, his boots don't hurt. The fact that is currently pissing former-Captain Sir Samuel Vimes most spectacularly off, however, is that he has just been murdered. He doesn't feel relaxed and together about this particular aspect of existence at all. In fact, he's determined to nail the bastard who did it. [1] In a manner of speaking. In fact, the gods don't generally go in for aquariums, preferring to install in their palace of Dunmanifestin on the mountain of Cor Celesti, such triumphs of interior decoration as genuine lava lamps[2], and sets of three vast stone sphinxes determinedly but for no apparent reason flying up the walls. [2] Yes, of course they use genuine lava. SIR SAMUEL VIMES A Knight, Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character You are an unusually sober citizen, meaning that you are generally one drink short of what passes for normality among other people, and are consequently given to fervent attempts to remedy this situation with Bearhugger's whiskey or whatever else may be to hand. Your life has been that of a career policeman in the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, and your recent marriage to Lady Sybil Ramkin, noblewoman and dragon-breeder, has not altered your devotion to police work, despite your startling elevation in rank to Commander of the Watch. Motivations A strong sense of justice impels you to seek out the perpetrators of crimes, even when such crimes are not, as in the current case, personal. The inadvisability of having a sense of justice in such a city as Ankh-Morpork has been a strong contributory factor in your alcoholic consumption over the years. Reactions to Other Characters You feel a strong dislike for anyone you may feel may be hatching an evil plot against your beloved city. Death Being dead as our story starts, you are able to see him throughout. Nice enough chap, but unnerving company. Reg Shoe You have no interest in Dead Rights or his Fresh Start Club. You have never, in fact, been all that fond of dead people, and don't see why your current state should change your mind. You try to explain this to him. Carrot Your successor as Captain of the Watch: an eye-wateringly upright and honest young man. You trust him absolutely. Nobbs Generally disgusting Corporal of the Watch, one of your oldest, um, acquaintances. Colon Sergeant of the Watch, another old friend. He may stand you a drink, if you're lucky. Lady Sybil The wife. You love her enormously, but find her company best limited to small doses... Angua Corporal Carrot's young lady, female werewolf and Constable of the Watch. Fine body. The Watch, that is. Fine body of men. Detritus Troll and Constable of the Watch. Loyal, if no more intelligent than masonry. Wizards In general, you dislike wizards, having no fondness for magic. You make an exception in the case of the Librarian, an ape to whom you have cause to be grateful for past help. Patrician Your extremely sinister boss, with whom you have always had a precarious working relationship. You are wary of him, and only rude about him when you feel tired of life. 8:30 to 9:00 The Troll's Head Being undead these days, you have very little to fear in The Shades of Ankh-Morpork than which you are not yourself more frightening, except possibly very well-equipped muggers with stakes, large axes and a crossroads handy. So you have decided to visit the Troll's Head in The Shades, and make the scientific experiment of determining whether vampires can, in fact, get drunk. Your mind is dwelling on your recent demise at the hands of a vampire hit-man, Vlad von Trapp - an event which has naturally enough left you as a vampire yourself (although at the moment you are able to suppress any urges you get to bite people's necks, speak with a strange accent or wear black). This consequence leads you to deduce that the person who hired von Trapp to kill you is probably either unfamiliar with vampires, or else extremely incompetent, unless of course they didn't in fact want you dead. You chat desultorily to Death, the nice old lady and anyone else who may be present. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket Excited by Death's claim that unnatural forces are at work in Ankh-Morpork to a greater extent than usual, you seek out the other members of the Watch, who you know well enough to expect to find at the Bucket in Gleam Street. After trying to persuade them to buy you drinks, you tell them of Death's very vague statement, as well as recounting your death in detail. You listen to what your men have to say, fighting down the urge to sink your teeth into any of them you believe may be a virgin. You decide to seek out professional help in tracing the unnatural forces, and despatch Carrot to The Drum in Filigree Street, where you know the Librarian drinks. You yourself head to the Bunch of Grapes for a quiet think. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes At the Grapes, you find a random assortment of witches and wizards, whose professional opinions you reculctantly canvas concerning the recent disturbances of what passes for reality in the City. You are finding your vampiric urges increasingly strong, and try ordering a Bloody Mary to see if this will help. The witches confide their suspicions to you, and you head off in excitement to track down Captain Carrot at the Mended Drum 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You find the other Watch members and a cross-section of the rest of Ankh-Morpork, but an absence of Carrot (and indeed the Librarian). You try to find out where he has gone, as you have a disturbing suspicion about the events that are occurring in your city - you suspect, not to put too fine a point on it, that a criminal mastermind is trying to manipulate the naive Carrot into taking control of Ankh-Morpork, something that has been attempted before. They're apparently not a terribly original or clever criminal mastermind, in fact. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Large numbers of witches and wizards arrive, their researches confirming your suspicions. You are irritated that they have found by magic, conclusions that took you hours of severe thinking to reach. As you are arguing, however, the criminal genius and Carrot arrive, and several things happen at once. At what strikes you as a dramatically appropriate moment, you allow your vampire nature to overcome you with an entirely free conscience, and sink your teeth into the neck of the criminal while the oldest of the witches distracts her attention. BLACK ALISS An evil Witch Character Deliberately cliched cackling evil crone of fairy tale and legend. Call people "My pretty", and refer to their little dogs, if you really want to. Motivations You have spent your life exploiting the inevitability of stories, and their tendency to attach themselves as parasites to any characters in the vicinity who may be available for them. By succeeding in casting yourself as the villain in numerous stories in the past, you have succeeded in making yourself virtually immortal, since everybody knows that whatever happens to the villain, they can always come back for a sequel. You have put around the rumour that you were pushed into an oven by two good little children years ago, and have been keeping under cover since, biding your time. Now, however, you have a sinister plan. You have recently learned that the true heir to the ancient throne of Ankh-Morpork, stolen at birth and brought up in the mountains by the dwarves in the usual manner, is living in the city as Captain of the City Watch, under the name of Carrot Ironfoundersson. You have determined to reestablish him on his rightful throne, and transform yourself into a young and beautiful woman to become his consort and rule the city from the shadows. You honestly don't have much imagination, do you? Reactions to Other Characters Generally, you pretend to be an kindly and non-sinister nice old lady, calling people "ducks" to put them off the scent. Vimes Knowing his reputation for detective work, and not wishing your plans to be interfered with, you arranged for his death on your arrival in the city. You are startled to see him still up and about. Death As a witch, you are able to see him. You address him as an equal, perhaps rather unwisely. Nanny The old witch may be a threat to your plans. You try to avoid her recognising you. Magrat You don't think the young one is particularly dangerous, however. Carrot You do your best to tempt him into your wicked scheme, and to do anything else that may take your fancy. Angua The woman you have to lure Carrot away from. Call her "my pretty" and be sinister. Wizards You hate them. Strange old men who've spent too much time locked up in small rooms full of books, many of whom have difficulty remembering what women look like. Granny You suspect she may be your nemesis. Be defiant and evil. Cackle manically, if you feel it will help. 8:30 to 9:00 The Troll's Head In your guise as an innocent old woman, but utterly confident of your invulerability, you have met the hitman you hired, one Vlad von Trapp, in the terribly dangerous Shades of Ankh-Morpork, after which you decide to visit a tavern. You are very disturbed when you see Vimes in the inn, apparently undead, but you realise that hiring a vampire hitman for the job may not have been your wisest course of action. However, all is not lost; you realise that, as a vampire, he will make a natural villain in the story of Carrot's rise to power, so you try to plant subliminal suspicions by mentioning the rumours you have heard of Carrot's true birth. You converse with anyone else who may be present. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You are ready to put your evil plan into action, so you visit the Drum in Filigree Street, knowing that Carrot will arrive there eventually. You try to blend in, acting like a harmless old woman selling apples or something similar. You gossip and chat with the other drinkers, trying however to avoid the two witches you see there. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You are relieved when the witches leave, and hope they have not recognised you. Carrot arrives and speaks to an orang-utan who is drinking there for some reason. When the time seems ripe, you approach him (Carrot, obviously, not the ape) on the grounds that you are a helpless old woman in desperate need of assistance, and lead him off to The Shades to have your wicked way with him. As it were. 10:00 to 10:30 The Troll's Head In a suspenseful and psychologically tense scene, you try to tempt Carrot to join you and take up his inheritance, of which you make sure he is aware. You tempt him with power, money, drinks and even magic. You explain to him all the good he could do as King, and that he could make benevolent use of his power, unlike the unscrupulous Patrician, Vetinari. In the end, though, you are left with no recourse but to transform yourself into the form of Angua, and seduce him by means of magical glamour, hypnotising him into cooperation with you. Wrapping around yourself and Carrot a Cloak of Invisibility that you had cunningly put aside for the purpose, you return to the Drum. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You observe the witches, wizards and policemen arguing amongst themselves. At a dramatically appropriate moment you reveal yourself and your companion, and announce to the citizens present that Carrot is the heir to the ancient throne of Ankh-Morpork, and that he is claiming his inheritance. You try to manipulate Vimes into fighting with Carrot as you face down Granny Weatherwax, knowing that Carrot is so popular that the crowd in the pub will side with him against Watch, witches and wizards if need be. Things do not go as you have planned. MUSTRUM RIDCULLY A Wizard, Archchancellor or the Unseen University Character You are a bluff, hearty, physically supple and mentally rigid wizard, keen on hunting, fishing and any other activity involving the killing of defenceless things for fun. You were elected to the Archchancellorship of the Unseen University on the misapprehension that you were a peaceful hedgerow wizard who understood the language of the birds and beasts, whereas in fact the most you would be likely to say to any of them if you did would be "Take that, yer bastard!". You speak with a country-squire inflection and never listen to a word anyone else says in any accent at all. Motivations To persuade those around you to cheer up and take an interest in life, and in extinguishing it in things smaller than themselves. Reactions to Other Characters You try to jolly people along, carrying out amusing practical jokes on them and never noticing their reactions to anything at all. Bursar The man's completely hopeless. He has been in the throes of a long-term nervous breakdown for a while, and you feel he has special need of your attention on for this reason. Be as hearty and jovial to him as you possibly can, try to take him out of himself. Make sure he takes his dried frog pills if necessary. Patrician You don't like him. Rum cove, cold fish. Runs the city well, though. Granny Esme Weatherwax, and old flame from youthful holidays in Lancre, now a professional and pretty damn terrifying witch. You charm her as in the old days. Librarian You have got used by now to the fact that the University Librarian is an ape, and your desire to shoot him has been pushed as far underground as the depth of your mind allows. Dean Far too fat and lazy. Needs a long jog round the university grounds and a freezing shower in the mornings. Too much sleeping, that's what it is. Stibbons Pale, fraught lad, Reader in Invisible Writings and denizen of the High Energy Magic Building at the University. He ought to get out more, and preferably marry someone. Death You treat him with professional courtesy when you meet; you feel it is vital to keep on good terms with him, which is partly why you put so much small business his way. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes It has been brought to your attention recently that Ankh-Morpork has been suffering what young Stibbons describes as a quantum reality fluctuation, and the Dean as an outbreak of urban myths. No fewer than twelve carts containing the hidden bodies of elderly relatives have been stolen from foreign families on holiday in the last few days, a large number of covertly fornicating couples have had to be cut out of the woman's husband's carriage, several burglars have lost hands in various amusing circumstances, and alligators have apparently been spotted in the city's extensive sewage system. On top of all this, the Commander of the City Watch has been killed, and is apparently rather annoyed about it. The Patrician has called a meeting of the city's community leaders to urge extra vigilance, and you go for a drink afterwards in Bunch of Grapes with Captain Carrot, the Bursar and some of the others from the meeting. You discuss the matter with them, and buy the Bursar several drinks (partly out of kindness and partly sheer curiosity). 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes You stay at the Grapes with the Bursar, and are astonished when the Librarian arrives, bringing with him Esme Weatherwax, whom you have not seen since your recent visit to Lancre. She tells you of her fears that Ankh-Morpork may have a renegade witch on its hands, and even you are able to make the obvious connection with the urban myths. Despite Esme's ridicule, you feel that the police should be able to track down a stray witch, so you decide to inform the Watch of the matter. Making sure the Bursar is euphorically happy, you and Esme leave to try to track down Commander Vimes, who you know drinks at the Bucket in Gleam Street. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bucket You fail to find Vimes, and the members of the Watch who are present seem, healthily enough, to be disinclined to spend their time searching for an evil witch who will probably turn them into things if they find her. Esme tries to persuade you to carry out a desperate plan, which you try to explain is insanely perilous She is insistent, so you drink quite a lot to fortify yourself for the experience. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes You and Esme return to the Grapes, where you find the other wizards who are available at the moment, as well as the other two members of Esme's coven. Together you perform the extremely dangerous Rite of AskhEnte, to summon Death. You ask him about the source of the urban myths sweeping the city. Esme asks him about the renegade witch. He tells you both what you want to know, and warns you that the plot even now under way to bring down the government of Ankh-Morpork will soon come to a climax at the Mended Drum. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum All of you rush to Filigree Street and arrive at the Drum, accompanied rather disconcertingly by Death. You explain to Vimes and the men of the Watch, who are their, what Death has told you. As you are explaining, however, the renegade witch and her dupe arrive, and several things happen rather quickly. GRANNY WEATHERWAX Mistress Esmeralda Weatherwax, a Witch Character Village witch from the mountain country of Lancre, and possibly the most respected witch in the Ramtops (there's something which unhesitatingly calls forth respect about anyone who can make you think you're a frog just by looking at you). Though one of the most powerful practitioners of non-wizardly magic on the Disc, you prefer to use "headology", the study of character, to achieve your ends whenever possible. You can't be doing with long words, wizards, or anything, in fact, which doesn't happen to suit your immediate convenience. Motivations You are strongly opposed to the misuse of magic, which includes any attempt to use it to change human or other sentient nature. Most people's personalities aren't worth much, but they're all they've got. Reactions to Other Characters You behave like the vengeance of the gods (in a manner of speaking) to anyone you feel is using magic to corrupt ends, which include more or less anything you dislike. You are impatient with wizards, policemen and young people. Nanny You consider Gytha Ogg a wanton trollop and a public exhibition. She is, however, your best friend, so you try to put up with it, as you let her know at every opportunity. Magrat Magrat is, as you have often informed her, a wet hen. She has soppy romantic ideas of magic with which you can't be doing, and you don't care if she is Queen, that's no reason to get above herself. Librarian You remember him from his recent visit to Lancre. A nice young ape, with much more sense than most people with a larger cranial capacity who you know. Ridcully Mustrum Ridcully, your solitary old flame whom you had done your best to forget, with staggering success until his recent visit to Lancre. Now Archchancellor of the Unseen University, for what very little that's worth. You allow yourself rather perfunctorily to be charmed by him. Death You treat him with professional disapproval. Patrician A nasty young man, who acts as if he owns the place. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You have arrived in Ankh-Morpork with Gytha Ogg and young Magrat, following rumours that have filtered through to Lancre about a renegade witch in the city. Since arriving in Ankh-Morpork you have heard rumours of carts being stolen with the bodies of elderly relatives strapped to the roof, misbehaving couples being cut out of carriages belonging to the woman's husband and the like, and several amusing stories of burglars losing various appendages. You recognise these urban myths for what they are: small local outbreaks of story, suggesting a witch in the area who works by harnessing such things to her own ends. You privately fear that the witch in question may be your sister Lily, a fact which you avoid mentioning to Magrat or Gytha as you sit together in the City's most popular tavern in an attempt to pick up relevant gossip. You are not in a convivial mood, and are quite sharp with Gytha, who, as usual, is. Increasingly annoyed by her behaviour, you decide to search for alternative allies, and elist the help of the Librarian. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes Remembering your previous visit to Ankh-Morpork, you find yourself unwillingly seeking the help of the wizards. The Librarian leads you to the Grapes, where you meet Mustrum Ridcully once more. You explain to him your suspicions, even mentioning Lily to him. His most inspired idea to track down a random witch in Ankh-Morpork is to tell the Watch, however, an idea on which you pour scorn, since any witch worth the name can hide >from a policeman. He is insistent, however, so you accompany him to the Bucket in search of the late Commander Vimes. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bucket You fail to find the Commander, and the other members of the Watch are not entirely helpful. You insist that it is time Ridcully does some of this research stuff the wizards are so proud of, to locate the witch and find out her plans. You know they have a ritual for summoning Death, and while this sounds mildly dangerous to you if done pby people who don't know what they're doing (like wizards), you imagine Death will, like everyone else, be susceptible to a severe talking-to. Certainly if anyone knows what's going on in the city, it will be someone omniscient. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes You meet up with the rest of Mustrum's faculty of wizards, and with Magrat and Gytha, who believe they have seen the mysterious witch. You are relieved that she appears, at any rate, not to be Lily. You hustle everyone into performing this Rite of AshkEnte business. When Death appears, you speak sternly to him, and ask him about the wretched woman. He tells you what is going on. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum At Death's instigation, you return with the other witches and the wizards to the Drum. Mustrum tells the late Commander Vimes, who is there, what you have discovered. At a dramatically appropriate moment, however (the showoff), the renegade herself arrives, and you have a tense confrontation with her during which you tell her off soundly for bringing witchcraft a bad name. NANNY OGG Mistress Gytha Ogg, a Witch Character Cheerfully lecherous and dipsomaniac village witch from the mountain kingdom of Lancre, with a tendency to burst into obscene drinking songs whenever you feel remotaly inclined. You and Granny Weatherwax complement each other beautifully, and insult each other even better. Motivations Drinking and double entendres come fairly high on the list, but you also want to stamp out the abuse of witchcraft by people who ought to know better, and disrespect shown to witches. Reactions to Other Characters Affable gossiping, the scrounging of drinks and the occasional suggestive remark. Most wizards you don't have time for, and feel they ought to get out more and make some new friends. Anyone you feel may be hatching a fiendish plot to gain power for themselves by witchcraft, you come down on heavily. Granny You have known Esme Weatherwax since you were both children, and enjoy reminding her of the fact, but nevertheless, though she can be straightlaced (particularly when you sing the Hedgehog song), you respect her and do your best to help her on the rare occasions when she actually needs it. Magrat A young slip of a thing, or, as Esme puts it, a wet hen, the girl means well but has too many modern ideas to be other than hopeless. Even if she is Queen. Librarian A very friendly and well-set-up young ape, even if he is a wizard. Casanunda You are strangely flattered by the dwarf's unrelenting and (let's face it) indiscriminate amorous attentions. Mrs Cake You recognise her as a kindred spirit, and chatter animatedly to her. Queen Molly You pump the Beggar Queen for any gossip she may know. Vimes You used to have a soft spot for policemen when you were a girl[1]. Bursar You try to be nice to him and keep him away from sharp objects. Death You treat him with professional courtesy. It doesn't do to get on the wrong side of these anthropomorphic personifications. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum Esme Weatherwax has brought you and Magrat to Ankh-Morpork in search of a renegade witch you have heard rumours of. Since arriving, you have heard of a number of phenomena, which don't sound to you like the sort of thing you'd expect to find outside a chemist's. You find the company in the Drum very convivial, however, and chat and gossip to everyone around, especially if any of them feel like buying you drinks at all. Esme is disapproving, so you start to sing The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All[2], to general acclaim. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum Esme leaves you with Magrat, so you finish the song and try drinking a good deal more. Magrat draws to your attention a kindly little old lady who is clearly a witch, and you have the nasty feeling that you have met her somewhere before. You pretend to be a good deal drunker than you are (try a few verses of A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End if you like), and try to draw her into conversation. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes Convinced that the woman is a witch, you and Magrat leave in excitement to try to track down Esme. You find instead the nice mad wizard who came to Lancre that time, and someone who introduces himself as the late Commander Vimes. You tell him of your suspicions, and suddenly find yourself remembering where you have seen the woman before; at a royal christening party in another mountain kingdom when you were a young slip of a girl - where the baby was told it would grow up to sleep for a hundred years... It is, in fact, Black Aliss, the witch who first managed to harness the power of stories. But you thought she was dead... 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes Esme arrives with that young man of hers, and you send away all hangers-on apart from Magrat. The wizards use some clever trick or other to summon Death, and Esme gives him a good talking-to. He explains what is going on. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum At Death's suggestion, you return to the Drum sharpish, and watch the confrontation between Granny Weatherwax and Black Aliss. Then you proceed with the other important business, of drinking and singing a lot. [1]Only your dad went and built the new privy on top of it. [2]Go on, use your imagination. MAGRAT GARLICK Queen Magrat of Lancre, a Witch Character Bedraggled and inexperienced village witch, recently promoted to Queen of Lancre by what you still can't entirely believe was marriage. Your long association with Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax has done nothing to dispel your belief that there is good in everybody, that everything in the world works for the best and that every flower has a guardian fairy of its very own. Motivations To prove (once again) to Nanny and Granny that you are as good a witch as they are, to bring people further in tune with nature and to leave the world a happier place, preferably having annoyed Granny considerably in the process. Reactions to Other Characters Try and see the good in them. You may, in certain instances, find this a rather challenging task. Wizards in particular you cannot help seeing as sad old men with no social life. Be thoroughly shocked by anyone who appears to be trying to gain power for themselves by witchcraft. Granny You are sure that her approach to witchcraft is quite wrong, and are irritated that it appears so consistently to be justified. You argue with her about what you see as the need to use one's magic to help others. Nanny You find her more sympathetic than Granny, but still consider her a stubborn old woman. Her behaviour when in pubs embarasses you enormously. Casanunda If he tries to seduce you, you remonstrate with him as a married woman. Patrician He appears to be one of the most sinister people you have met. Ridcully You remember him as the one old flame to which Granny has ever admitted. He seems nice enough, in a loud sort of way, though you can't approve of his running the Unseen University. Death You try to treat him with professional detachment, but are unable to avoid remonstrating with him for, well, existing really. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum Granny has brought you and Nanny to Ankh-Morpork to track down what she refers to as a renegade witch, and Nanny calls a bloody nuisance. You are trying to avoid being drawn in by the snares and bright lights of the big city, but haven't managed to find any of them yet. You try to make pleasant conversation about aromatherapy and herbs to other inhabitants of the pub, until Nanny starts behaving predictably and Granny goes off in a huff, leaving you in charge of her. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum Trying to persuade Nanny to stop drinking, you observe a kindly old woman enter the pub, who you can easily tell is a witch. You try to draw Nanny's wavering attention to her, whilst avoiding the unwanted attentions of the other patrons of the tavern. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes Convinced that the old woman is the rengade witch, you and Nanny leave in excitement to track down Granny. Instead, you find the late Commander Vimes of the Watch, and a disturbed-seeming wizard. You tell them of your suspicions. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes Granny arrives with her old flame the Archchancellor of the Unseen University, and proposes to carry out some wizard's Rite to summon Death. You remonstrate with her and the others, telling them there were things we were never meant to know. They ignore you and do it anyway. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum At Death's suggestion, you all hurry back to the Drum, where Granny comes face-to-face with the evil witch. You observe the ensuing confrontation, after which you need a drink. CAPTAIN CARROT Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character Eye-wateringly honest and sincere Captain of the Watch, newly appointed to the post after Captain Vimes' promotion. Events of recent months have made you aware that you are the true heir to the throne of Ankh-Morpork, but since the city runs much better without you, and being a policeman is what you are really good at, having an innate sense of right and wrong powerful enough to stop a charging rhino. You were brought up by dwarfs, and consider yourself one of them, generally to the embarassment of genuine members of the species. This also results in your being unusually literal-minded and trusting, with an evangelical approach to law-enforcement. Motivations To uphold the cause of justice, and the Laws and Ordinances of Ankh-Morpork, and to send some money home for your adoptive parents, your dear old white-bearded mother and father. Reactions to Other Characters To anyone you perceive to be engaged in anything of a criminal nature you are uncompromisingly remonstrative. To everyone else you are respectful, polite and faultlessly helpful, regardless of character - although you used to have a deep-seated prejudice against the undead, which your current romance with a werewolf, Angua, has been able to dissolve. You know most of the inhabitants of Ankh-Morpork by name. Patrician You are respectful and eager to please, in an entirely genuine and honest way which he finds extremely suspicious. Vimes Your superior officer, to whom you are unswervingly loyal and devoted. Nobbs Though he is a disgusting, scruffy little man, you do not feel it is your place to judge. Colon The solid and dependable Sergeant of the Watch. Lady Sybil Captain Vimes' wife, to whom you show proper respect. Angua Your young lady, to whom you are sincerely if inarticulately devoted. She frequently puzzles you, though you suspect the feeling may be mutual. Detritus Equally dependable as Sergeant Colon, and much more solid, being made entirely of rock. Not entirely your mental equal, however. Or indeed anyone's. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes The attention of the Watch has been called recently to several events you all recognise as out of the ordinary; as well as several reports of alligators in the sewers, you have been informed of the accidental theft of the bodies of several families' elderly relatives, and several muggers have given themselves up in terror of losing bodily appendages in amusing circumstances. The Patrician has called a meeting, which you have attended as the Watch representative, to call for greater public vigilance. You have been persuaded to visit the Bunch of Grapes for a quiet pint of milk with Archchancellor Ridcully and several of the others >from the meeting. You discuss the apparent plague of urban myths, and try to humour the Bursar. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket You proceed to the Bucket, the Watch's usual pub, and find the other members, including the late Commander Vimes to whom you are appropriately sympathetic. You tell them all about the Patrician's meeting. The Commander feels that professional magical advice may be needed, and sends you to the Drum to find the University Librarian, who has helped the Watch in the past. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum At the pub, after imparting Vimes' message to the ape, you meet a kindly old lady who tells you she is in trouble, and needs the help of a policeman. Deciding that to help an elderly citizen in need of assistance must take priority over your other duties, you proceed with her away from the pub. Rather to your surprise, she takes you to the Shades. 10:00 to 10:30 The Troll's Head For some reason, the nice old lady tries to persuade you to take up your rightful place on the throne of Ankh-Morpork. You explain you lack of interest in this prospect, pointing out that you can do much more good as a policeman than any king has ever managed, but she is persistent. When you continue to be stubbornly principled about it, she transforms herself into the (human) shape of your beloved Angua, and casts a kind of magical hypnosis on you which forces you to obey her. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You return with the woman to the Mended Drum, where she tries to stage the opening of your uprising, before she is distracted by another old lady. You rebel when she tries to force you to attack Captain Vimes, and point out that kings, even potential ones, are not to be manipulated. THE LIBRARIAN An Orang-Utan and Wizard, Librarian of the Unseen University Character Formerly a gentle and retiring University Librarian, given a new lease of life some years ago by your unexpected transformation into an orang-utan in a freak magical accident. You find life as an ape extremely satisfying, being six times as strong and agile as you used to be, and having twice the number of hands. You have resisted any attempt to change you back. You are still passionately devoted to books, feeling they are more dependable than people, and certainly less replaceable. You have a passionate fondness for inns, peanuts and weddings, and a violently-expressed aversion to people who persist in being unable to tell an ape from a monkey. You communicate by saying "Oook," which is unconventional but seems to work. Motivations Looking after books, having a good time and saving the Discworld on those occasions when it becomes necessary. Reactions to Other Characters Generally, you are pleasant enough provided nobody behaves antisocially in your vicinity or uses the M-word. You like people to buy you drinks, and make sure they are unequivocally aware of this fact. You also throw peanuts at people quite a lot. Granny You respect the old lady, suspecting that she might be capable of turning you into a human at a moment's notice if you don't. Nanny You like her singing, and buy her drinks to encourage her in it. Magrat An attractive young human, though with longer legs and shorter arms than you find ideal. Dean A fat old wizard much like most other fat old wizards. Stibbons A younger and rather less fat wizard. Ridcully You consider him the dominant male in your immediate group, not that this entitles him to more than the most basic biological respect. Bursar You try to treat him gently and keep him away from dangerous objects. Death You treat him with professional politeness. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You are drinking in your favourite pub, enjoying the company, when the three ladies of varying niceness whom you met on your trip to Lancre arrive. You are pleased to see them. When Granny Weatherwax asks you to take her to your leader, you take her to try to find Ridcully. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes You find him at the Bunch of Grapes, a less favourite drinking haunt of yours, but you make the most of it and try to cheer up the Bursar. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum Since neither Granny nor Ridcully seems to need you, you go back to the Drum, where you meet some startling people. You observe events for a bit, then knuckle back to the Grapes to tell Granny and the Archchancellor what you have seen, as best you are able. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes At the Grapes, the other wizards and the witches seem intent on performing the Rite of AshkEnte, to summon the spirit of Death. Given that you have just seen him in the pub, this seems a little pointless to you, but you participate anyway, throwing only the occasional peanut. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Everyone goes back to the Drum, where some really splendid entertainment happens. You cheer enthusiastically, throw peanuts and drink a lot. THE BURSAR A Wizard, Bursar of the Unseen University Character Always highly-strung and inclined to behave irrationally at sudden noises, your recent association with Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully, who is wellknown for trying the patience of dinosaurs, have caused you to become more and more nervous until you now have no more than a nodding acquaintance with reality. Most of the time you inhabit a deranged world of your own, which you find vastly preferable to any of the ones other people live in, and from which you make such disturbing pronouncements as "Nail it to the counter, Lord Ferguson, and damn the cheesemongers!" and "Hahaha, organ!". Motivations At any given time, your major motivation is to survive the next thirty seconds or so. Reactions to Other Characters On the rare occasions when your mind and your surroundings do connect, your reactions to other people are either terrified, hilariously double-entendred or very, very unwise. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes You and the Archchancellor have been to a meeting at the Patrician's Palace, where you have conducted yourself with reasonable decorum, and only jumped at sudden movements every few minutes. You are enjoying a quiet drink when thirty nude stockbrokers start to perform a tapdance routine in the pub and you begin to feel your grip on the day starting to slip. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes The Archchancellor's old girlfriend arrives, and you leer at them and make unfunny double-entendres at them too see what will happen. You also try to engage your drink in conversation, deciding that you enjoy its company rather a lot. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes Some mad old women arrive, with seventeen camels, a dwarf in a wig and the entire barbarian horde of Ghinnis Khan[1]. You point at them and laugh hysterically for half an hour. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes Everyone tries to make you calm down a bit while they perform some tedious item of business, but you keep giggling at beermats and whispering disconcerting things about the juggling accountants. You decide that further up the tavern wall might be a fun place to be. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You all go to the Drum, where you drink an utterly astonishing amount and shout loudly at anything which moves, until you fall over. [1]Founder of the legendary barbarian brewery. DEATH an Anthropomorphic Personification Character A conservatively-inclined personification, you feel it necessary to satisfy your customers with the full regalia of skeletal form, black flowing cloak and a very sharp scythe. Your function is to collect the souls of mortal beings of whatever order, at the point of their death. This isn't the most enjoyable of jobs, and gets you down at times. You are naturally inconspicuous except when people are expecting you, since mortals are extremely good at hiding from themselves what they don't want to see and all that. Witches and wizards can recognise you, but to everyone else you simply blend into the background, which suits you. If anyone asks you who you are, claim to be a passing anonymous merchant and a stranger in these parts; only admit your identity to witches and wizards. Motivations To have a quiet drink in Ankh-Morpork, or several if at all possible, and try to forget about work for a bit. Reactions to Other Characters You know, of course, of whatever villainous plans for the capture of the city that may be in train at the moment. They don't concern you unduly. Oh, and by the way, remember to SPEAK IN CAPITALS... Vimes You feel apologetic about his recent death and current vampiric condition, since he obviously resents them for some reason, but you explain that you were just doing your job. 8:30 to 9:00 The Troll's Head You are trying to undertake a quiet drink in the Shades, but are being bothered by the presence of Vimes, and of the person who you know ordered his death at the hands of the vampire hitman (you are nervous about how he might take this information, however, so carefully avoid giving it to him). Instead you drop dark hints about unnatural forces being at work in Ankh-Morpork to a slightly greater extent than usual. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You try a less evil part of town, though to your annoyance the criminal mastermind follows you there. Trying to ignore her, you attempt to merge with the drinkers in the Mended Drum. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You continue with this plan, drinking as much as you feel to be necessary for verisimilitude. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes You are extremely irritated to be called away from your drink by a group of wizards performing the Rite of AshkEnte for your summoning, and tell them so. You are put in your place, however, and asked to tell them what you know about the renegade witch in the city, and the current outbreak of urban myths. You tell them what you know; that a witch who has made a project of harnessing the power of stories is in Ankh-Morpork, and that the minor alterations to reality signified by the urban myths are a simple by-product of her being a focus for stories. What she is planning is to restore the rightful heir to the throne of Ankh-Morpork, Captain Carrot of the Watch, and share power as his beautiful consort. All very unimaginative, and since she is about to make a play for power in the Mended Drum, perhaps they will allow you to get back to your drink now? 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You return to the Drum, and watch the resulting conflict between the witches. When Vimes, in his function as a vampire, attacks the evil witch, you are rather pleased to be able to visit her in a professional capacity. On a (rather drunken) whim, you restore Vimes to full life as well, in the hope that now they will all let you sit and have your drink in peace. CORPORAL NOBBS Corporal of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character Short, smelly, foul-mouthed, scruffy and disturbed corporal of the City Watch, a career bent copper. Your commitment to justice has particular relevance to the redistribution of wealth in your direction, and the preservation of public safety, to which end you avoid doing anything which might conceivably endanger you. You enjoy smoking, double-entendres and, strangely, ballroom dancing. Motivations Getting away with as much as possible, while strictly avoiding any possibility of trouble. Reactions to Other Characters General shiftiness and abuse of power (but only with people smaller than you). You are obsequious to figures of authority, and loyal in your peculiar way to the other members of the Watch. Colon Fred Colon, your particular friend. Lady Sybil She is inexplicably fond of you, and you have a great respect for her, which manifests itself in a willingness to, for instance, kick criminals in the balls if she asks you to. Angua Phwoah, what a body. Except when there's a full moon[1]. Detritus A nice bloke as trolls go. Might make a nice piece of sculpture. Vimes You look up to him as a figure of honour and integrity - virtues you feel are best appreciated if viewed from a considerable distance. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bucket You are spending the evening drinking at the Bucket with the other off-duty members of the Watch, trying to avoid paying for your drinks as usual, and in extreme cases stealing them from people you have never met before. You converse happily with Sergeant Colon about recent events, such as the death and subsequent vampirism of Commander Vimes, and the apparent appearance of alligators in the sewers. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket The late Commander himself arrives, as does Captain Carrot, and you find yourself in the middle of a conference, though you do your best to get so drunk you don't care. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bucket Left with Fred once more to guard the pub against being stolen, you are startled to receive a visit from the Archchancellor of the Unseen University and some old woman he appears to be going out with. They ask you to track down a very dangerous witch who is loose in the city, but you explain that, all things being considered, you'd rather not. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You proceed to the Drum where you find Vimes. Things seem to be shaping up for a climax, so you take a drink and find somewhere quiet to sit. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You and Fred Colon watch events from a grateful distance. Looking at things is your job, after all. [1]Then she can be a real dog. SERGEANT COLON Sergeant Frederick Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character Stolid and dependable Sergeant of the Watch, a career policeman. You are happily married, by the clever expedient of only meeting your wife in passing, since you occupy the house at mutually exclusive times of the day. Motivations Your commitment to police work is largely concerned with wishing to earn a decent wage and continue in your current lifestyle, including, of course, continuing to be alive, so you are not inclined to take foolish risks, or even sensible ones. Reactions to Other Characters Your loyalty to the Watch is extensive, arising from a lifetime's grinding involvement in it. To most of the rest of the citizens of Ankh-Morpork you are polite and unhelpful. Nobbs Corporal Nobbs, or "Nobby" as you imaginatively call him, is your particular friend, and shares your unusual concept of police work. Lady Sybil You have been brought up to respect the nobility, but you don't actually like them. You are perfunctorily obsequious to her. Angua You find the Captain Carrot's young lady very pleasant company, even if you do occasionally need to have a bit of a lie down after talking to her. Detritus Fine man, for a troll[1]. Vimes You respect him considerably, and are sympathetic with him about his recent demise. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bucket You are drinking in the Bucket with the other off-duty members of the Watch, discussing Commander Vimes' recent demise and resulting vampiric tendencies, and the recent spate of stolen grandmothers and unfaithful couples humorously trapped in carrriages. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket Vimes and Captain Carrot arrive, and seem intent on having a conference, which you try to drink your way unobtrusively through. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bucket Left once again to guard the Bucket against being stolen, you and Nobby are startled to be visited by the Archchancellor of the Unseen University and some old lady, who ask you to try to apprehend a dangerous renegade witch. You explain that if it's all the same to them, you have safer things to be getting on with. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You proceed to the Drum, where you find Vimes, and, feeling that things are shaping up for a climax, take several drinks and retire to an inconspicuous corner. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You fulfil your function by watching from a distance as events unfold. [1]A chip off the old block, in fact. THE PATRICIAN Lord Havelock Vetinari, Ruler of the City City of Ankh-Morpork Character Ruthless, efficient and machiavellian dictator of Ankh-Morpork; you are responsible for such social innovations as the institution of the Thieves' and Assassins' Guilds, and thus for the imposition of law and order over most of the city. Motivations The smooth and efficient running of Ankh-Morpork, including the supression of any fiendish plots or supernatural phenomena which threaten to disrupt the order of things. Reactions to Other Characters Generally, you try to use your knowledge of their characters to manipulate them into fulfilling your intentions. Ridcully The University Archchancellor; tends to get hold of the wrong end of the stick, and then use it to beat people about the head with. Carrot Captain of the Watch; painfully upright and honest, but not to be underestimated on that account. Dr Whiteface Head of the Fools' Guild; his main weakness is a total lack of any sense of humour. Queen Molly Leader of the Beggars' Guild; loyal to her members, but by definition not above taking bribes. Silverfish President of the Alchemists' Guild; pale and disturbingly intent, like many chemists. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes After a meeting you have called to discuss the recent spate of phenomena recognisable as urban myths occurring in the city, you have accompanied the various community leaders whom you called together to the pub, to observe their behaviour. You deliberately ignore their evident discomfort at your presence. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You are unsurprised to observe visiting witches in the Mended Drum, when you travel there incognito; you had suspected something of the kind. You pretend to be an anonymous merchant and nobody of any importance, if anyone asks. You do not buy anyone else any drinks. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You observe another visiting witch trying to dupe Captain Carrot of the Watch, and hope that the integrity on which you have always counted in him will have the result you are hoping for. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Several members of the Watch arrive, and you privately make yourself known to the late Commander Vimes. You wait, as usual, to see what will happen. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum For a while you almost fear you have miscalculated, but things turn out as you hoped. You sit back with a quiet smile and sip your drink contentedly. LADY SYBIL VIMES Formerly Lady Ramkin, Noblewoman and Wife of Commander Vimes. Character Dragon-breeder and hearty upper-class type, recently wed to former-Captain Sir Samuel Vimes, Commander of the Watch, whom it is your intention to wean from his old habits of excessive drinking, staying up all night and wearing his boots in bed. Motivations To be able to breed dragons more effectively, and help Samuel in pursuing the course of justice if it becomes entirely necessary. Reactions to Other Characters Generally, be (utterly unconsciously) patronising or else extremely insulting to them; you have the extreme arrogance of someone who has never even thought about her own superiority to others. Carrot A very nice and upstanding young Watchman, Samuel's replacement as Captain. Patrician You treat him familiarly, though you are secretly as wary of him as anyone. You call him Havelock, this being his name. Vimes Your husband, Samuel; you love him dearly, and therefore patronise him briskly until you drive him mad. Nobbs Despite all the evidence any citizen of Ankh-Morpork could offer you, you persist in regarding him as a loveable rogue with a heart of gold. Nanny You find her excessive familiarity annoying, and feel very much inclined to call her your good woman. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bucket Feeling that noblesse ought to oblige, you are trying to help Samuel's subodinates come to terms with his death by visiting the pub with them, regardless of how uncomfortable this makes them. You also hope you might run into him at some point, as you haven't seen him for a while and are worried, although you realise it would be difficult for further harm to come to him... 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket Samuel arrives, as does that nice Captain Carrot. Both tell everyone of some startling developments. You decide to accompany Samuel to his next port of call, pretending you are not intending to stop him drinking. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes Here you meet some unnecessary lower-class women who irritate you, and Samuel seems disinclined to heed your warnings concerning his liver. You decide to have a drink yourself. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You accompany Samuel to the Mended Drum, where things seem to be reaching a climax. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You observe the astonishing denouement. CUT-ME-OWN-THROAT DIBBLER A Purveyor of Sausages and other Foodstuffs (Special offers Thursday and Friday, please do not ask for credit as an earful of abuse often offends) Character A street-merchant, inventor on the Discworld of the concept of fast-food[1]. You are highly principled, genuinely believing that a world in which all the existing money belongs to you would be the best of all possible worlds, and so persistent most of your acquaintances regard you as a force of nature. Motivations To sell as much merchandise as you are able, to whoever looks like giving you the most money for it. Reactions to Other Characters Try to sell them things. Also to get them to buy you drinks. If they are foreigners, regale them with legends of Ankh-Morpork life, and then demand drinks for the service. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You are plying your wares in the Mended Drum, relieving the difficult work with the occasional drink now and then. You try to interest the loud ladies from out of town in your cut-price guided tour of the city, or your sausages. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You continue to work on the drunkest of the women, though her singing is beginning to distress you. You try to sell anything you feel like, including various civic buildings, to any anonymous travelling merchants you may meet. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You continue with your lonely destiny, trying more intently to scrounge drinks from people in return for having conversations with them. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Things seem to be shaping up for a climax, so you try to take advantage of the moment while people's thoughts are elsewhere, to sell them your food, drink and relatives cheap. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum As the grand denouement happens, you quietly peddle your wares, and do people the favour of drinking their pints for them while they are forced to give their attention to other matters. [1] So fast, in fact, that it frequently leaves your customers' bodies the instant they've swallowed it. CASANUNDA Dwarf, Liar and the Disc's Second-Greatest Lover Character One of the world's greatest seducers, more by means of sheer persistence than any particular skill in the matter. You try to charm anything recognisably female into bed with you, though you have a mild preference for human females over your own species[1]. You feel that style is an important factor in the process, as are the unpredictability of your method, and your utter inability to recognise "No, thank you" as a valid answer. Motivations You are that rare thing, a truly single-minded individual. Your horizons (sizeist jokes aside) are severely limited. Reactions to Other Characters Fairly predictable really, except that Nanny Ogg is a particular project of yours. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You are delighted to meet once more with the charming Mrs Ogg, and tell her so at some length. You ply her with expensive drinks, and ask to go to bed with her, or anyone else she can recommend vaguely resembling her. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You persist in giving Mrs Ogg your full attention, sparing only the briefest of optimistic seductive remarks for any other women in the vicinity. When she leaves, you delightedly follow her to what you purport to believe is an assignation. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes You continue with your programme until Mrs Ogg sends you away, pausing only to give your attention to Lady Sybil Vimes, another woman after our own heart. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You leave Nanny and continue to work on Lady Sybil, to the apparent irritation of her husband (though since he is dead you do not perceive this as a problem, wealthy widow and so on). 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Events move towards a climax, though not quite in the sense you might have hoped. [1] Beards aren't really your thing. LANCE-CONSTABLE ANGUA A Lady Werewolf, one of the Men of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character Apart from the problem with your lupine tendencies (safely under control tonight, the moon being nearly invisible) you are a model member of that fine body, the Watch. And speaking of fine bodies, beware pointless double entendres from such male drinkers as your (human) physique may impress. Motivations Loyalty to the Watch, and particularly your young man, Captain Carrot. At this particular time of the month, none of the unfortunate urge to devour young men by night that occasionally overcomes you. Reactions to Other Characters Generally, be polite and helpful to members of the public, and ignore their usually unsubtle attempts to get into your armour. Vimes You respect his devotion to justice, and are aware that he is a kind-hearted man, full of humanitarian spirit (generally Bearhugger's whiskey). Carrot You love him, but still find his zealous integrity extraordinarily unnerving. Reg Shoe A fellow-lodger at your landlady Mrs Cake's. You like him, but find him a little obsessive, and are uninterested in his campaign for Dead Rights, not currently considering yourself dead. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bucket You are drinking with the other off-duty members of the Watch. You discuss such recent events as Commander Vimes' death in a desultory manner. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket Vimes and your young man Carrot arrive, and much more discussion takes place. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You proceed with Carrot to the Drum to find the Librarian, but are startled when he leaves with a kindly old lady whom you find sinister. You consider following, but feel you ought to carry out Vimes' orders. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Vimes and the other Watchmen arrive. You begin seriously to worry about Carrot, and have several drinks to calm your nerves. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Carrot arrives with the old lady, and several very worrying things reach a climax. But everything turns out, amazingly enough, to be happy in the end. LANCE-CONSTABLE DETRITUS A Troll, one of the Men of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character A silicon-based life form, and one that therefore thinks best at extremely low temperatures. For this reason you find life below the snow line to be generally very baffling. As a troll, you have a natural antipathy to dwarves, though as a member of the Watch you try to ignore this when on public duty. You talk in cliched stupid-person speech ("Me no understand. What you talk about, stupid dwarf?"), feeling obscurely that this is expected of you. You have the huge physical strength and resilience that comes of being built almost entirely of marble. Motivations You are in a constant state of trying to follow the plot. You intervene if you decide that it seems to be necessary. Reactions to Other Characters To members of the Watch, you are properly loyal and obedient. To members of the public, you are generally threatening unless you happen to remember not to be. To dwarves you are scrupulously polite unless you get them alone in a dark alley. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bucket You are drinking molten sulphur on coke with phosphoric acid[1] with the other Watch members. You talk about Commander Vimes' death, which you regret, never having liked vampires and finding yourself in a dilemma over whether you now like Vimes or not. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bucket Vimes and Carrot arrive, and everyone talks about extremely complicated things. Most of it goes under your head. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bucket You stay with Corporal Nobbs and Sergeant Colon, to make sure nobody steals the tavern. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You proceed to the Drum (it has taken you a long time to master proceeding, but you have finally managed), where you drink some more lava. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Several extremely complicated events happen, so you drink some more. [1] With an umbrella in it. REG SHOE A Zombie, Secretary of the Fresh Start Club Character Enthusiastic proponent of Dead Rights, demanding equal opportunities for nonbreathing citizens, differently-alive persons and the vitally-challenged. You think largely in terms of slogans, wear a "Don't Drop Out, Drop Dead!" T-shirt and are constantly trying to convert others of the undead to your crusade, usually beginning by inviting them along to your Fresh Start Club. You tend to go all to pieces when excited, which is exactly the sort of cheap vitalist joke you want to see laid to rest... Motivations To campaign for Dead Rights. You don't take anything lying down. Reactions to Other Characters Anyone dead, you attempt to recruit to your cause. To those unfortunate enough to be alive, you explain defiantly that you are not ashamed to be a zombie, and then take offence at whatever they reply[1]. Mrs Cake Your landlady. As a medium, you consider her an honorary dead person. Death Being already dead, you are able to recognise him for what he is; your attitude to him is somewhat ambivalent. Angua One of your fellow-lodgers; as a morphically-advantaged person (a werewolf), she too is an honorary member of the undead. 8:30 to 9:00 The Troll's Head At a tavern you use in The Shades (reasoning that you are unlikely to meet anything more frightening there than yourself), you are pleased to meet the newly-vampiric Commander Vimes. You try to convince him that, as a prominent citizen, he should make a public declaration regarding his mortal status, to support other dead people undergoing this difficult process. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum Eventually giving up in frustration, you go to the Mended Drum, where there will be lots of live people for you to be defiant to. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You drink a lot more, becoming maudlin and aggressive by turns, and having to pick up stray parts of yourself with increasing frequency. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Everything seems to be heading for a climax, so you decide to make a public gesture, spelling out slogans in the pub in a medium of your choosing. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You are irritated when everyone ignores you, apparently finding other things more interesting, so you drink a lot more instead. [1] Everyone needs a hobby. MRS EVADNE CAKE A Landlady and Medium Character Pious and generous landlady, champion of the undead and scourge of any church, shrine or temple to which you condescend to devote your skills in flower-arranging, petty sacrifice and insulting the priests, they're all so young these days, there's no respect any more. You are a medium, and communicate frequently with your spirit-guide, the Howandan tribesman One-Man-Bucket, who speaks in "heap big white lady chief" vocabulary, mainly for show. You also have a recurring problem with precognition, which can cause you unexpectedly to answer people's questions before they ask them. Motivations You want to keep your lodgers happy, and do your best to help whichever church you have most recently chosen as a victim. Reactions to Other Characters Reg Shoe One of your lodgers. You are condescendingly tolerant of him. Nanny Ogg You recognise her as a kindred spirit, and gossip enthusiastically with her. Angua Another lodger. You find her a very personable young lady, and don't mind her little monthly problem in the least. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You are drinking in the Mended Drum along with most of the rest of the population of Ankh-Morpork. You offer to hold a seance for anyone who may wish it, and continue to make this offer throughout the evening. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You drink some more and gossip with Nanny Ogg, Reg Shoe, and indeed anyone else who is around. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You have a seance for the hell of it anyway. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You drink some more and try to comfort Angua, who is worried about her young man. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You are amazed by the astonishing d‚nouement to the evening's events. THE DEAN A Wizard, Dean of the Unseen University Character Fat and bureaucratic academic, unwilling to be bothered with anything that isn't your responsibility, or indeed most things that are. Motivations To drink, eat and sleep as much, and think as little, as is possible given your membership of the human species. Reactions to Other Characters Stibbons Overenthusiastic young wizard, far too keen on work for your liking. Needs to eat and sleep more. Librarian The finest librarian the University has ever had. You no longer have any cause to notice that he is an orang-utan. Ridcully The Archchancellor is a fine man, who you feel should be allowed to run the University with as little interruption from anyone else as possible. Particularly you. Granny You privately believe witchcraft to be an absurd set of superstitious rituals and folk myths, but refrain from mentioning this to her in case she turns you into a frog. Bursar You try to talk softly and keep a tight hold of any knives when he is in the vicinity. Death You treat him with professional courtesy and a healthy measure of naked terror. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum You have persuaded young Stibbons to accompany you and the Librarian for a drink at the Drum, one of Ankh-Morpork's livelier pubs. You have several drinks and soak up the atmosphere. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes You find the Archchancellor and the Bursar at the Grapes. You mention your theory that the current outbreak of urban myths in the city is centred around a person who has made themselves a focus for stories, then lean back with the knowledge of a job well done. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes You drink some more and are nice to the Bursar, and unfriendly to the pair of witches who unexpectedly arrive. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes The Archchancellor and the other witch return, and to your astonishment insist on performing the Rite of AshkEnte to summon Death. You try to persuade them it's insanely dangerous, and besides you can't be bothered, but they are persistent and eventually you agree. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You head back to the Drum, see that things reach a satisfactory climax, and drink some more. PONDER STIBBONS A Wizard, Reader in Invisible Writings at the Unseen University Character Pallid postgraduate student in wizardry, researching the Strong Thaumonuclear Force and its Relation to Unreal Space-Time Interactions, a topic nobody else can even begin to imagine understanding. You spend most of your time in the University's High Energy Magic Building, which you tell everyone is much more interesting than they think. Motivations Work, the occasional amount of sleep and avoiding conversations with the Archchancellor. Reactions to Other Characters Dean You are disapproving of the amount of work, both academic and administrative, that he avoids doing. Sometimes you wonder rather wistfully how exactly he manages it. Ridcully You live in constant terror that he will order you to get out more. Bursar You speak soothingly to him, and help him to lie down when it becomes necessary. Death You treat him with professional courtesy and extreme circumspection, avoiding catching his eye in public for instance. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum The Dean has disastrously persuaded you to come out for a drink with him and the Librarian, so you sit around feeling extremely uncomfortable while everyone around you enjoys themselves. 9:00 to 9:30 The Bunch of Grapes You find the Archchancellor at the Grapes, and try to be nice to the Bursar, which is currently not entirely easy. 9:30 to 10:00 The Bunch of Grapes You sit around and drink some more, making uncomfortable conversation with the young crone who arrives. 10:00 to 10:30 The Bunch of Grapes The Archchancellor and his witch return, for some reason intent on performing the Rite of AshkEnte to summon Death. You are relieved to be allowed to so some work at last, even if it is something so trivial. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum You return to the Drum, where things reach a satisfactory conclusion and you have another drink. DR WHITEFACE A Clown, Head of the Guild of Fools and Joculators Character Tight-lipped and softly-spoken harlequin, entirely devoid of anything recognisable as a sense of humour. Motivations Protection of the Guild's good name, and the inculcation of a properly serious and respectful attitude towards jokes. Reactions to Other Characters Forbidding and sober chilliness. If you ever tell a joke, you expect your audience to be properly appreciative of the occasion. You would scarcely, for instance, waste one of the Approved Jokes on pub banter. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes After a meeting at the Patrician's palace, you visit an inn with some other Guild leaders. You are extremely polite to everyone. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You go on to the Mended Drum, where you drink some more and continue to be polite. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum After a few more drinks, you hopefully try one of the more formal jokes on the assembled company. It is not well received, which you assign to their philistinism. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Things appear to be reaching a climax, so you sit back and pretend to be interested. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Satisfied that things have reached the desired conclusion, you get on with the more serious business of drinking a lot. QUEEN MOLLY A Beggar, Head of the Ankh-Morpork Beggars' Guild Character Wheedling, insinuating, scrawny-looking and ugly, and you've had to work hard to achieve it. Motivations The good repute of the Beggars' Guild, and an utter refusal ever to buy your own drinks. Reactions to Other Characters You try to beg money, drinks, food or, in extreme cases, body parts from them. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes After a meeting at the Patrician's palace, you go for a drink with some other Guild leaders. You ask them to buy you drinks. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You continue this behaviour at the Mended Drum. You talk to anyone who you think may be able to spare anything. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You drink some more, at others' expense. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Realising that things are reaching a climax, you try to appear interested, while still canvassing drinks from random strangers. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Satsified that the happy ending has ben reached, you drink much more. THOMAS SILVERFISH Head of the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Alchemists Character Quiet and generally unregarded chemist, with an obsession for turning base metals into gold, or failing that blowing them up. Motivations Research and the occasional recreational explosion. Reactions to Other Characters Very little, unless they fancy buying you a drink. 8:30 to 9:00 The Bunch of Grapes After a difficult meeting with the Patrician, you go to recover with some other Guild leaders in a tavern. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum You continue tothe Drum to drink quite a lot more. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum You begin to confide to Queen Molly of the Beggars that your wife doesn't understand you. You are unclear as to why. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum You realise things are approaching a climax, and hope it won't be too painful a one. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Once the climax is over, you continue with the proper business of drinking a lot. Random Citizen of Ankh-Morpork Character Thieving, conniving, unpleasant, a typical inhabitant of the Discworld's greatest city. Motivations A quick profit, personal prestige and someone else buying the drinks. Reactions to Other Characters Rob them, knife them, scrounge drinks off them, grope them, stare at them, insult them or point at them in a satiric way. Whatever takes your fancy. 8:30 to 9:00 The Mended Drum Drink lots and shout loudly. 9:00 to 9:30 The Mended Drum Drink lots and insult anyone you don't know in the vicinity. 9:30 to 10:00 The Mended Drum Drink lots and then drink some more. 10:00 to 10:30 The Mended Drum Drink lots and throw things at whoever strikes you as amusing. 10:30 onwards The Mended Drum Drink lots and gawp in amazement at anything that appears interesting to you.